Up early. =D
So i have been reading fat acceptance blogs this morning. Pretty much randomly, dont know how i got started a link to a link to a link kind of thing. And then I actually started reading them.
You know, I really didn't realize that I felt as i guilty as I do about eating  in general and my food choices specifically until just now. More importantly i am slowly realizing that my weight is okay. It shocks me that the realization that it could possibly be okay to eat and be the weight I am is so new to me in this moment. I think thats fucked up. And since I never made an official New Years Resolution, I resolve to feel good about myself just the way I am this year. 

Thanks Gwen. I really owe you.

SO I've been reading a stupid sort of self-help book about patience. I've really been enjoying it despite the fact that it is almost all quotes from other people. Haha. Patience is something I know I have issues with. It's something i want to work on because i see myself losing patience with people for no reason. Usually the people i know and love best. I've done it for most of my life (sorry Gwen). I feel like such an asshole. blah. 
It's this knee-jerk defensive reaction to what my subconscious perceives as someone acting like i'm stupid. Being an asshole is obviously a great response... *sigh*  I can usually recognize when i'm doing it and apologize afterward, But i honestly don't see it coming. I want to stop doing it. Apologizing really isn't enough. It doesn't take away the hurtful effect my dickbaggery can have. 
I am using this re-realization to try to be more aware of my words and tone, and why i react that way. I have no reason to let my deeply ingrained insecurities keep such a hold on me. This will be quite a project i think. 

Wish me luck!

Watched the State of the Union!
Lets not lie. I've still got a big crush on Obama. So far he hasn't looked down at his papers once. He is a beast.
I can't quite decide if its a bad thing that every time the speech gets interrupted by clapping I feel like I aught to take a drink. Maybe I  just haven't been out of college long enough. Surprisingly, at least contrary most SOTUs I've seen, the flow of the speech wasn't really interrupted. It didn't get to the point where is was overtly annoying. For me anyway. Thematic phrases always make me chuckle and 'Win the Future' was no exception. I did really enjoy the speech (of course i did I love Obama) and i think it actually impacted me in a serious way! Not something I was expecting.

Anyway, I have been thinking about What I Want To Do With My Life very serious life crisis thing. Probably because I've got lots of time on my hands. But also because I'm concerned about the long term affects of the "sailing life style" on my relationship. Not because of any pressure from wonderful boyfriend. I have just been thinking more about the amount of time spent apart as well as the fact that if I don't decide to live in Erie we (or just I) will have to move again. I realize I'm young, and i'm not saying i'm going to give up sailing, I just think a more stable job would fit the life I want to have. I want to be able to build a life somewhere. So I've been thinking about alternate career choices. I want to do something thats important. I want to make a difference in the world. And i do believe that what I am doing (sail training) does make a difference and is important. I also would like to use my degree. Despite my rather lack luster performance in college i really do love biology. Doing SCIENCE isn't something I think i would enjoy. Mostly because it seems like such an insular thing. While i know its making a difference in the world and i know is really important... i don't know...it just doesn't appeal to me.

And then the A-Ha! moment. Listening to Obama speak about the important of teachers brought me back once again to the idea of becoming a teacher. It makes me think about Mr. Rubens. He was really a fantastic teacher. I want to make biology that fun and interesting! Because it IS that fun and interesting!! Obviously I have no real experience with teaching. A fatal flaw in my plan and good intentions. But i think it's worth pursuing. (definitely in California though, not here)

Well that was a fairly long, rambling, hopefully mildly coherent rant. I feel better. I've been wanting to post on LJ the last few days and have been suffering a block. My persistence wins out in the end! MUAHAHAHAHA! Resistance is Futile!!

yeaahhh. It's quite late. Night everyone!

 Or maybe i should just give up. I doesn't work even when i try.

I started a defrag on my computer 13 hours ago. It's still going. If i could take myself seriously i would say it was a metaphor for my life right now. I have been having vivid, emotional dreams lately. The kind where i'm running away, and fighting and crying. Just fighting back against something i can't really define. I feel like my brain is trying to defragment my mind. To put all the extraneous bits of pushed away emotion back where it belongs, to bring some semblance of order. It's still going though and there isn't even a loading bar, no percentage complete marking my progress. 
It would be easier if I knew why I was so discombobulated. I love my house in Erie. I love having my own place with Matt. For once I feel really loved. Truely safe. He sees all of me, even the worst parts, and accepts it as a whole. I feel so lucky. But i suppose with love there always come the fear of loss. It is so important to me that I get scared and push him away. I am hopeful. 
I have mostly been having nightmares about sailing though. Well about failing anyway. But its all the same thing. I love sailing. I am afraid ill lose it. Lose everything. So i don't try. I put things off. Shoot myself in the foot. I haven't gotten my MMD yet. I've been putting it off for a number of reasons. Self sabotage probably being the primary reason. But i've gotten things rolling now and I am fairly sure I will be able to get it all taken care of in time. I do have almost 3 months. But still, I know that I have pushed this much closer to the deadline than I should have. I am worried Billy will call me up and ask me to come down to the ship to show him my paper work and sign my contract. And I dont know what I will say. It keeps me up at night. But as with everything else the only thing to do is take another step forward. No going back.
I want to go back sometimes. To fix all the stuff i messed up in college and give my future a better chance. To be honest I'm ashamed of how poorly I did in school. I know I'm start, i just didn't try. Which probably makes me quite a bit less than smart.  I can't do anything about it now though. 
I am rambling a lot today. Its probably hormones and the fact that I'm listening to Death Cab for Cutie. It's nice to let go of everything i've been holding in for a little while. Maybe I will make a habit of this writing thing.

 You never post on your livejournal! =p

 I totally did everything on my list today. It was super exciting. I made a list and did everything i was supposed to do.

CRAZY!

Its been a while since i've really written in this and even longer since i've written anything very long.
I've had a busy first half of 2010.
Tori got engaged and is getting married in October.
Michelle got engaged, Alex got engaged. Being Tori and Alex's weddings is stressing me out a little. Not because i'm not happy and excited for them, I just feel like my life is so far ahead of me sometimes. I'm not ready to be this old. As a result i think i am running away. I'm not staying in contact with Alex like a should. I really need to call her and help her with stuff. Ugg. I'm such a bad friend sometimes. 
I told Tori last night that I think I have commitment issues. She laughed at me for like 10 minutes. I guess i do.  =D 
Tori is leaving me for the Air Force soon. No Fair. I am allowed to leave her to have sailing adventures but she shouldn't be allowed to leave me. *sigh*

I love sailing! Being on the Niagara this summer has been awesome. It has been a crazy amount of work this summer. So much harder then last year. But at the end of the day when you fall into your hammock it's so satisfying to know you really did something. Working on the ship is purposeful, exhausting, but you always have such a concrete reward. Everything done is done for the better of the ship. It just creates a sense of community and friendship because everyone is working for everyone else.

Ship.
Shipmate.
Self. 

It's always just when a chappie is feeling particularly top-hole, and more than usually braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up
behind him with a bit of lead piping.

Everything she sees
she says she wants.
Everything she wants
I see she gets.

That's my daughter in the water
everything she owns I bought her
Everything she owns.
That's my daughter in the water,
everything she knows I taught her.
Everything she knows.

Everything I say
she takes to heart.
Everything she takes
she takes apart.

That's my daughter in the water
every time she fell I caught her.
Every time she fell.
That's my daughter in the water,
I lost every time I fought her.
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
I lost every time.

Every time she blinks
she strikes somebody blind.
Everything she thinks
blows her tiny mind.
That's my daughter in the water,
who'd have ever thought her?
Who'd have ever thought?
That's my daughter in the water,
I lost everytime I fought her
Yea, I lost every time.

I really love this song. I makes me all sentimental over the times I've spent with my dad. So I called my dad and we talked for like and hour. And at the end i told him that I had been listening to a father daughter song that had made me think of him and that was why I had called. We agreed that there were many such songs and he said "of course including the classic daughter in the water song"


We are obviously psychic and awesome.